Today’s thoughts: I miss him.

My second blog post.

It’s crazy. He’s gone away for a couple of days and I miss him so much. I try not to let it sway me or affect my days so I remember all the times he hurt me, made me feel like the worst thing in the world, not worthy, not even human. I don’t know why I do this to myself, why I reminisce all the bad between us. Missing him is only natural but I try not to, I don’t know why, so I just think of the times he hurt me. He’s stabbed me in my heart and the pain hasn’t left. He’s cut me so deep, the third time being the worst. I actually thought we were getting somewhere, I fully opened up to him, I became so free with him, I felt at home, so this came as a huge shock. It was different compared to the previous two times, although the reason was the same. He told me I deserved better, and that he doesn’t treat me how I should be treated, all those break-up lines you read about, the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ you see everywhere. But I know him better than he knows himself, I knew he was covering something and that these fluky messages had a deeper meaning. Nothing in particular had happened between us, no arguments or disagreements but he didn’t kiss me goodbye at the station, nor did he smile at me. To be honest, he didn’t make eye contact at all which was the indicator for me. He simply waited for me to step out of his car, and drove off. When he finally told me, the same reasons as the previous two times popped up and I just listened. I listened to everything he said about me, to me. I froze, my heart fluttering. The worst thing is this always happens through the phone and never in person so I can’t read his face, just his voice. Although I know him so well, I want him to say these things to my face, looking direct into my eyes and not have the easy option of dialling and then cutting off. I don’t know why I take it from him, why I accept it, forgive him and show him nothing but love. I would never allow for someone else to go through this, I would tell them to run, run as fast as they can in the opposite direction, get out and as far away as possible. But I simply cannot do it. His words cut me, pierce my heart, mind, body and soul so deep it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes words speak louder than actions. They suffocate me. It’s hard. He apologises but also says he doesn’t regret anything. So what’s the point saying sorry? I don’t know. It’s not that I can’t ask him, I can, I just don’t. I accepted him as he was, as he is. A gift to me from God. I’ve accepted exactly the way he is, his flaws, his perfect imperfections, his habits. I began loving him the moment we met, simply because I recognised God gave him to me as a spouse, but also as a gift from Him, who am I to fault this man, to show everything but gratitude to the One that created me? I grew to love him and now I love him so much, he’s my whole world, my life, my everything. And he knows it. But I feel like he still cannot accept mine, he cannot accept that I’m human and not what you see on TV, in adverts or pornography. It hurts. I’ve given him all of me; everything I have to offer. I can accept so why can’t he? It’s not all this bad, this is just one of the three occasions that I’m describing. But it’s these three occasions that have made me feel worthless. I don’t rely on him, I don’t depend on him for my existence, all I do is love him. I figured maybe it’s because I’m content with my life, and he isn’t? We have discussed this but I don’t want to sound like a snob, or act as if I’m higher than him in any way so I don’t necessarily share what’s on my mind, my honest thoughts. He’s changed me. I was myself earlier but now I’ve become a bit reserved, he probably hasn’t noticed. Only because I opened up to him, I told him everything, he knew me inside and out, and he’s betrayed me, once again. He’s hurt me so badly words cannot describe. So how can I open up to him again knowing that he might crush my entire world? Spouses are meant to be garments for each other, best friends, sharing love, happiness, mercy, joy, tears, ups and downs, each other’s world, right? But he’s just hurt me so much, I think it’s going to take time to repair me this time. If he really does love me, he’ll need to fix what he broke. And I don’t know how long that’s going to take.

Peace and love,

perfectly imperfect human xo

3 thoughts on “Today’s thoughts: I miss him.

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